28-09-2006, 08:55
Twenty years in the homicide division of the N.Y.P.D. and, brother, youve seen everything. Like when some Wall Street broker juliennes his little petit four over who gets to work the channel changer, or this lovesick rabbi decides to end it all by salting his beard with anthrax and inhaling. Thats why when someone reported a dead body on Riverside Drive at Eighty-third with no bullet holes, no stab wounds, and no signs of struggle I didnt freak to some film-noir conclusion but put it down to one of the thousand natural shocks the Bard claims the flesh is heir to but dont ask me which one.
When another stiff turned up in SoHo two days later, though, also without the least trace of foul play, and a third likewise in Central Park, I got out the Dexedrine and told the immortal beloved Id be working late for a while.
Its amazing, my partner Mike Sweeney said as he strung the usual yellow bunting around the crime scene. Mike is a bear of a man who could easily pass for a bear, and has in fact been contacted by zoos to fill in when the real bear was ill. The tabloids are saying its a serial killer. Naturally, the serial killers are claiming bias and that theyre always the first ones accused when three or more victims are killed the same way. Theyd like the number raised to six.
Ill level with you, Mike, Ive never seen anything like this oneand you know Im the guy who collared the Astrology Killer. The Astrology Killer was a vicious maniac who liked to sneak up and bash peoples heads in while they were yodelling. He was tough to nab because there was so much sympathy for him.
I told Mike to call me if he came up with any sexy clues and I beat it down to the morgue to ask Sam Dogstatter, our coroner, about poison. Sam and I go way back to when he was a young coroner starting out and used to perform autopsies at weddings and sweet sixteens, for cigarette money.
At first I thought it might be a tiny dart, Sam said. I tried to check out everybody in New York City who owned a blow gun, but the task was insurmountable. No one realizes half the towns got one of those six-foot Jívaro jobs and most citizens have carrying permits.
I brought up the possibility of the Amanita mushroom, which can kill without leaving any trace, but Lou shot it down. There was only one health-food store that sold really deadly mushrooms, but it stopped years ago when it turned out they werent organically grown.
I thanked Sam and put in a call to Lou Watson, who was excited because hed gotten a very good set of fingerprints at the crime scene, which he instantly traded to another precinct for a rare set of Enrico Carusos that were quite valuable. Lou said the lab had come up with a hair. They had also come up with a bald spot. The hair unfortunately matched an eight-year-old kids and the bald spot was traced to a row of nine men in the front row of a girlie show, who all had airtight alibis.
Down at headquarters, I chatted with Ben Rogers, my mentor and the man who solved the Yuppie Restaurant Murder Case, where the victims were shot and then lightly dusted with lime and fresh mint. Ben had waited till the killer ran out of fresh mint and was forced to use chopped walnuts, which were traceable by their serial numbers.
Tell me about the victims, I said. Did they have any enemies?
Sure, they had enemies, Ben said, but their enemies were all at Mar-A-Lago, in Palm Beach. There was a big Enemies Convention and practically every enemy on the East Coast attended.
I had just left Ben to grab a sandwich when I got word that a hot-off-the-griddle stiff had turned up in a Dumpster on East Seventy-second Street. This time the pristine corpse was Ricky Weems, a young actor who specialized in sensitive rebels and was the star of the TV medical soap opera When a Mole Darkens. Only this time a homeless lady caught the action. Wanda Bushkin, whod once slept every night in a carton on the Lower East Side, had recently moved to a carton on Park Avenue. At first, she worried that she wouldnt get board approval, but when her net worth was shown to be above four dollars and thirty cents she was accepted at the more desirable box.
Bushkin couldnt sleep on the night in question, and caught sight of a man who drove up in a red Hummer, tossed a body, and sped away. At first, she didnt want to get involved because she had once identified a criminal who then broke off his engagement to her. This time, she described the suspect to our sketch artist, Howard Inchcape, but Inchcape, in a fit of temperament, refused to do the picture unless the suspect would come in and sit for it.
I was trying to reason with Inchcape when my mind suddenly twigged on B. J. Sygmnd, the psychic. Sygmnd was a poor Austrian whod lost all the vowels in his name in a boating accident. In 1993, I had used Sygmnd to find a cat burglar, whom he rather miraculously picked out from almost a hundred strays. I watched now while he poked around at the victims belongings and then went into some kind of trance. His eyeballs widened and he started to speak but the voice that came from him was that of Toshiro Mifune. He said the man I was looking for employed Novocain and worked with drills on molars and bicuspids, and he might even be able to pinpoint the profession but he needed a Ouija board.
A quick computer check corroborated that all the victims were patients of the same D.D.S., and I knew Id hit pay dirt. Anesthetizing myself with four fingers of Johnnie Walker, I used a Swiss Army knife to pry out the silver amalgam in lower seven, and the next morning sat openmouthed while Dr. Paul W. Pinchuck worked on my cavity.
This wont take long, he said. Although if you have a little time I should also do the tooth next to it. Im surprised it hasnt given you any trouble. Youre not missing anything outside today, anyhow. Can you believe this weather? April set a record for rainfall. Its this global-warming thing. Because too many people use air-conditioners. I dont need one. Where we live you sleep with the window open even in the hottest weather. I have a good metabolism that way. My wife, too. Both our bodies adjust well. Because were very careful about what we eat. No marbleized meat, not too much dairyplus I exercise. I prefer the treadmill. Miriam likes the StairMaster. And we very much enjoy swimming. We have a house out in Sagaponack. Miriam and I usually begin taking the weekends, the start of April, out in the Hamptons. We love Sagaponack. Theres people if you want to socialize but you can also keep to yourself. Im not a big social person. We like to read, mostly, and she does origami. We used to have a place in Tappan. Theres a few different ways to go but I usually take I-95. Its a half hour. We prefer the beach, though. We just put in a new roof. I couldnt believe the estimate. My God, those contractors get you every which way. Look, its like anything elseyou get what you pay for. I tell my kids there are no bargains in this life. Theres no free lunch. We have three boys. Seth will be bar-mitzvahed in June.
I began to feel myself gasping for air as Pinchucks drill cut through my enamel and I fought the onset of Cheyne-Stokes breathing. I sensed my vital signs were ebbing, and I knew I was in trouble when my life began to pass before my eyes and my father was being played by Dame Edna.
Four days later I awoke in the intensive-care unit at Columbia-Presbyterian.
Thank God youre made of iron, Mike Sweeney said, leaning over my bed.
What happened? I queried.
You were very lucky, Mike said. Just as you lost consciousness, a Mrs. Fay Noseworthy burst into Pinchucks office with a dental emergency. She was an F.W.I.: Flossing While Intoxicated. Apparently it caused her temporary crowns to slip out and she swallowed them. When you hit the floor at Pinchucks, she began screaming. Pinchuck panicked and made a run for it. Fortunately, our SWAT team got there just in time.
Pinchuck ran? But he seemed just like any regular dentist. He worked on my teeth and chatted.
Right now, you get some rest, Mike said, flashing his Mona Lisa smile, which Sothebys had claimed was a forgery. Ill explain it all when youre up on your feet.
In case youre wondering where this little homicide tale goes, keep watching the back pages for news out of Albany, where the legislature will be taking up the bill that will lead to Pinchucks Law, which makes it a felony for any dentist to endanger the life of a patient by relentless conversation or by saying anything other than Open wide or Please rinse without a prior court order.
When another stiff turned up in SoHo two days later, though, also without the least trace of foul play, and a third likewise in Central Park, I got out the Dexedrine and told the immortal beloved Id be working late for a while.
Its amazing, my partner Mike Sweeney said as he strung the usual yellow bunting around the crime scene. Mike is a bear of a man who could easily pass for a bear, and has in fact been contacted by zoos to fill in when the real bear was ill. The tabloids are saying its a serial killer. Naturally, the serial killers are claiming bias and that theyre always the first ones accused when three or more victims are killed the same way. Theyd like the number raised to six.
Ill level with you, Mike, Ive never seen anything like this oneand you know Im the guy who collared the Astrology Killer. The Astrology Killer was a vicious maniac who liked to sneak up and bash peoples heads in while they were yodelling. He was tough to nab because there was so much sympathy for him.
I told Mike to call me if he came up with any sexy clues and I beat it down to the morgue to ask Sam Dogstatter, our coroner, about poison. Sam and I go way back to when he was a young coroner starting out and used to perform autopsies at weddings and sweet sixteens, for cigarette money.
At first I thought it might be a tiny dart, Sam said. I tried to check out everybody in New York City who owned a blow gun, but the task was insurmountable. No one realizes half the towns got one of those six-foot Jívaro jobs and most citizens have carrying permits.
I brought up the possibility of the Amanita mushroom, which can kill without leaving any trace, but Lou shot it down. There was only one health-food store that sold really deadly mushrooms, but it stopped years ago when it turned out they werent organically grown.
I thanked Sam and put in a call to Lou Watson, who was excited because hed gotten a very good set of fingerprints at the crime scene, which he instantly traded to another precinct for a rare set of Enrico Carusos that were quite valuable. Lou said the lab had come up with a hair. They had also come up with a bald spot. The hair unfortunately matched an eight-year-old kids and the bald spot was traced to a row of nine men in the front row of a girlie show, who all had airtight alibis.
Down at headquarters, I chatted with Ben Rogers, my mentor and the man who solved the Yuppie Restaurant Murder Case, where the victims were shot and then lightly dusted with lime and fresh mint. Ben had waited till the killer ran out of fresh mint and was forced to use chopped walnuts, which were traceable by their serial numbers.
Tell me about the victims, I said. Did they have any enemies?
Sure, they had enemies, Ben said, but their enemies were all at Mar-A-Lago, in Palm Beach. There was a big Enemies Convention and practically every enemy on the East Coast attended.
I had just left Ben to grab a sandwich when I got word that a hot-off-the-griddle stiff had turned up in a Dumpster on East Seventy-second Street. This time the pristine corpse was Ricky Weems, a young actor who specialized in sensitive rebels and was the star of the TV medical soap opera When a Mole Darkens. Only this time a homeless lady caught the action. Wanda Bushkin, whod once slept every night in a carton on the Lower East Side, had recently moved to a carton on Park Avenue. At first, she worried that she wouldnt get board approval, but when her net worth was shown to be above four dollars and thirty cents she was accepted at the more desirable box.
Bushkin couldnt sleep on the night in question, and caught sight of a man who drove up in a red Hummer, tossed a body, and sped away. At first, she didnt want to get involved because she had once identified a criminal who then broke off his engagement to her. This time, she described the suspect to our sketch artist, Howard Inchcape, but Inchcape, in a fit of temperament, refused to do the picture unless the suspect would come in and sit for it.
I was trying to reason with Inchcape when my mind suddenly twigged on B. J. Sygmnd, the psychic. Sygmnd was a poor Austrian whod lost all the vowels in his name in a boating accident. In 1993, I had used Sygmnd to find a cat burglar, whom he rather miraculously picked out from almost a hundred strays. I watched now while he poked around at the victims belongings and then went into some kind of trance. His eyeballs widened and he started to speak but the voice that came from him was that of Toshiro Mifune. He said the man I was looking for employed Novocain and worked with drills on molars and bicuspids, and he might even be able to pinpoint the profession but he needed a Ouija board.
A quick computer check corroborated that all the victims were patients of the same D.D.S., and I knew Id hit pay dirt. Anesthetizing myself with four fingers of Johnnie Walker, I used a Swiss Army knife to pry out the silver amalgam in lower seven, and the next morning sat openmouthed while Dr. Paul W. Pinchuck worked on my cavity.
This wont take long, he said. Although if you have a little time I should also do the tooth next to it. Im surprised it hasnt given you any trouble. Youre not missing anything outside today, anyhow. Can you believe this weather? April set a record for rainfall. Its this global-warming thing. Because too many people use air-conditioners. I dont need one. Where we live you sleep with the window open even in the hottest weather. I have a good metabolism that way. My wife, too. Both our bodies adjust well. Because were very careful about what we eat. No marbleized meat, not too much dairyplus I exercise. I prefer the treadmill. Miriam likes the StairMaster. And we very much enjoy swimming. We have a house out in Sagaponack. Miriam and I usually begin taking the weekends, the start of April, out in the Hamptons. We love Sagaponack. Theres people if you want to socialize but you can also keep to yourself. Im not a big social person. We like to read, mostly, and she does origami. We used to have a place in Tappan. Theres a few different ways to go but I usually take I-95. Its a half hour. We prefer the beach, though. We just put in a new roof. I couldnt believe the estimate. My God, those contractors get you every which way. Look, its like anything elseyou get what you pay for. I tell my kids there are no bargains in this life. Theres no free lunch. We have three boys. Seth will be bar-mitzvahed in June.
I began to feel myself gasping for air as Pinchucks drill cut through my enamel and I fought the onset of Cheyne-Stokes breathing. I sensed my vital signs were ebbing, and I knew I was in trouble when my life began to pass before my eyes and my father was being played by Dame Edna.
Four days later I awoke in the intensive-care unit at Columbia-Presbyterian.
Thank God youre made of iron, Mike Sweeney said, leaning over my bed.
What happened? I queried.
You were very lucky, Mike said. Just as you lost consciousness, a Mrs. Fay Noseworthy burst into Pinchucks office with a dental emergency. She was an F.W.I.: Flossing While Intoxicated. Apparently it caused her temporary crowns to slip out and she swallowed them. When you hit the floor at Pinchucks, she began screaming. Pinchuck panicked and made a run for it. Fortunately, our SWAT team got there just in time.
Pinchuck ran? But he seemed just like any regular dentist. He worked on my teeth and chatted.
Right now, you get some rest, Mike said, flashing his Mona Lisa smile, which Sothebys had claimed was a forgery. Ill explain it all when youre up on your feet.
In case youre wondering where this little homicide tale goes, keep watching the back pages for news out of Albany, where the legislature will be taking up the bill that will lead to Pinchucks Law, which makes it a felony for any dentist to endanger the life of a patient by relentless conversation or by saying anything other than Open wide or Please rinse without a prior court order.
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