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E-mails from an Asshole
#1
Pelo que procurei no fórum, não me pareceu haver um tópico só sobre isto. Achei, por bem, criar um, pois ainda agora acabei de ler um dos textos e doeu-me a barriga de tanto rir, e as lágrimas vieram-me aos olhos, tal é a tristeza com que eu fiquei depois de ter lido apenas um dos textos.

Já agora posto aqui o primeiro:

Original ad:
I am a 18 year old looking for a summer job. it is hard for me to find work and I just want a job so I can afford a car for college next summer. I can clean, babysit, answer phones, pretty much whatever as long as it pays!!
From Mike Anderson to ***********@***********.org
Hey,

I saw your ad looking for work and I think I have a job for you! I am looking for an assistant on my farm for the summer. It will involve working outdoors. Let me know if you are interested.

Mike

From Stephanie ******* to Me
Hi Mike! I am interested in your job! I love animals and used to ride horses so a farm would be great! what kind of work would I be doing, and where is your farm located? it needs to be close to ******** so my parents can drop me off and pick meup

From Mike Anderson to Stephanie *********
Stephanie,

It is very close to **********. I'm glad to hear you are familiar with horses, because you will be primarily working with horses.

My farm gets all the old horses that other farms don't need anymore, and they are starting to take up a lot of room in my stable, which I want to turn into a garage for my new truck. Therefore, the horses need to go. As my assistant, you will be in charge of killing the horses and dumping them in the lake behind my farm.

I used to have a captive bolt pistol (cattle gun) that I used to put them down, but it broke when I tried to use it to tap a keg. You'll probably have to use my 12-gauge shotgun to put them down. Sometimes they don't die right away when you shoot them, and will start freaking out. You just have to stay calm and keep shooting. Don't worry, I'll show you how to use the shotgun if you aren't familiar with one.

You then need to use my chainsaw to cut the horses into smaller parts that you can carry down to the lake. It can get a little messy, so I suggest wearing some clothes that you don't care about, or some clothes that the horse blood would compliment.

The lake isn't mine, it is my neighbor's. He gets kind of angry when he sees me dumping dead horses in his lake, so you have to make sure he isn't around when you do it. I have some cinderblocks you can use to weigh the horses down so he won't see them.

I have a lot of horses, and each horse takes about an hour and a half to dispose of, so you should have plenty of work. The job will pay $15 an hour. When can you start?

Mike

From Stephanie ******* to Me
omg that is HORRIBLE! That is truely awful and sick!! Why cant you just give the poor horses away? sorry but I am not helping you slaughter horses!!!

From Mike Anderson to Stephanie *********
Stephanie,

I'm sorry if you are a bit surprised, but this is how farms work. You can't give away old horses, you have to kill them. I thought about it, and if you don't want to use the chainsaw to cut up the horses, you can just use my truck to drag them down to the lake. Do you have your license or permit? If not, this could be good driving practice for you. You don't want to pass up on this great job opportunity.

Mike

From Stephanie ******* to Me
No that is not how farms work you are just SICK! I am NOT interested

From Mike Anderson to Stephanie *********
Stephanie you are going to regret this some day when you try to get a real job. I think this would look great on your resume.
De todos os fóruns que conheço, este é um deles.
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#2
Eu parto do princípio que tudo isto seja inventado, mas mesmo assim é das coisas mais magníficas que alguma vez vi. Adoro sobretudo a forma como o autor diz as coisas mais invulgares com a maior calma do mundo, como por exemplo a parte de desmembrar cavalos com uma serra eléctrica fazer saltar muito sangue, pelo que se devem usar roupas velhas.
[Image: indiaslb1mj1o.gif]
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#3
(28-06-2010, 14:29)Rufferto Wrote: Adoro sobretudo a forma como o autor diz as coisas mais invulgares com a maior calma do mundo

Exacto, como se fosse tudo muito natural, acho uma piada Biggrin
[Image: n3taar.gif]
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#4
Este iguala o do cavalo Biggrin maybe

-----------------------------------

Original ad:
Broken Xbox 360? Red ring of death? Disc-read error? No problem! We repair broken Xbox 360s for $50 or less. Call or email ***-***-2811 or **********@comcast.net
From Me to **********@comcast.net:

Hello,

I sure hope you will be able to help me. I'm not sure what is wrong with my Xbox but it will not turn on. I've tried plugging it in to a bunch of different outlets, but none of them seem to work. Do you think you can help?

Thanks,

Mike

From Dean ****** to Me:

Hi Mike,

The outlet most likely has nothing to do with why your system won't turn on.

I certainly can help you though. I will rectify your xbox and can have it back to you in a week or so depending on the problem. Do you live in the area or would you like to ship the console?

Dean

From Me to Dean ******:

Oh my god, you are sick! I will not let you do that unspeakable act to my Xbox. I always knew that the internet is full of freaks and sexual deviants, but you have reached a new low. I thought your ad was for Xbox repairs, but I have been horribly mistaken.

From Dean ****** to Me:

Mike,

I'm not sure what you think I was saying. To rectify is to repair or mend something that is broken. I was only trying to tell you that I would repair your Xbox. I am sorry for any misunderstanding.

Dean

From Me to Dean ******:

Dean,

Don't lie to me. I know what rectify means, and the fact that you want to do it with an Xbox is disgusting. I can't even imagine how it is possible to do it with something that big, or what kind of pleasure that could possibly bring to a pervert like you. Regardless, I want my Xbox to be fixed, not to be violated and returned to me covered in ass hairs and feces. I will just mail it back to where I bought it and hope that the warranty is not void.

Mike

From Dean ****** to Me:

You clearly don't know the definition of rectify. I assure you I only want to fix your system.

From Me to Dean ******:

Dean,

I don't even want to know what you mean by "fix my system." Leave me alone before I call the police, you pervert.

Mike

From Dean ****** to Me:

I mean I am going to solve the problem that is causing your Xbox 360 to not turn on. That is all.

From Me to Dean ******:

Dean,

Even if you did return it to me and it worked, I would never be able to look at my Xbox the same way. There will always be the thought in the back of my mind that you took it and violated it.

I am going to post an ad warning other unsuspecting victims about the true disgusting motive behind your ad. What you are doing is sick.

Mike

From Dean ****** to Me:

If you do that then I will post an ad explaining that you are a fucking idiot that doesn't know what "rectify" means. Go fuck yourself.
De todos os fóruns que conheço, este é um deles.
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#5
O do tipo que precisa de algue'm para ficar com a avo' tambe'm esta' muito bom!
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#6
Tão simples e tão hilariante:

Original ad:
i saw you outside market east station. you were getting into a red ford truck. i was wearing a yellow shirt and had dirty blonde hair. our eyes met and we smiled. i hope you find me so we can meet up Smile


From Mike Anderson to *********@***********.org
That was me. I don't know why you thought we had a moment. I was smiling because of how disgustingly fat you were. I was trying to hold back laughter as I got into my truck. When I got in I just fucking lost it. Dirty blonde hair? Try dirty, grease-soaked hair.

From Chelsea ******** to Me
FUCK YOU!!!!!!!!!!
[Image: indiaslb1mj1o.gif]
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#7
ahahahahahahahahahahahah Biggrin
De todos os fóruns que conheço, este é um deles.
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#8
From Me to ********@gmail.com
RE: Clydesdale horse needs caring owners:


Hey there!

Your horse looks beautiful! Is he still available?

Michael Murphy
Vice President
Murphy Glue Factory, Inc.

From ********@gmail.com to Me
RE: Clydesdale horse needs caring owners:


HELL NO!!!



Adorei este...
E depois, quando li os comentários e vi que ele é o Vice-Presidente da sua própria empresa, ri-me mais um bocado

Mas há mais:
Original ad:
DOG WATCHER WANTED! we are leaving town for a week and need someone to take care of our 6-year-old rottweiler. he is very friendly! we are looking for someone trustworthy with experience, so we will need references. will pay $30 per day. email if interested!

From Tyrone Jackson to ************@******.org

yo wat up! i saw your ad looking for someone to take care of your rottweiler. ill do it no problem. i live in the area and can pick him up.

From Tanya ****** to Me
tyrone do you have any references? can you tell us a little about yourself?

From Tyrone Jackson to Tanya *******
yea i got some references. you can talk to my bro devon, or my associate g-ice. ill have them hit u up. a little about myself: i love taking care of dogs and shit

now you said your rottweiler is friendly. how friendly is he? would he be able to fight another dog if they were both put in a ring? just wonderin.

also can you pay me the money up front straight cash? i need it to enter in a contest.

From Tanya ****** to Me
I dont want you watching my dog!!!! find someone else for your dog fighting ring sicko!!!!!!!

From Tyrone Jackson to Tanya *******
whoa whoa slow yo role! who said anything about dog fighting? i was just wondering if your dog could protect itself, in case an angrier dog tries to start some shit while im walkin him. you need to chill the fuck out and stop jumpin to conclusions

From Tyrone Jackson to Tanya *******
look you triflin bitch just gimme the dog. i need it, the fight is tonight! ill pay you 200 cash plus 20 percent of whatever i win

From Tanya ****** to Me
STOP IT


A few hours later...



From G Ice to Tanya ******
ay yo wat up woman, its ya boy tyrone's boy G Ice. tyrone was sayin he needed a reference for ur dog babysittin job so here i am. tyrone be great with dogs. he loves em so much and will care the shit out of them. my boy tyrone is definitely the right man for the job, i aint playin

From Tanya ****** to Me
GO AWAY
If you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything
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#9
Original ad:
i need my 89 dodge shadow towed to a car crusher asap. there are a few crushers in the area so get at me with a price and contact info

From Me to *********@*************.org:

Hello,

Do you still need your car crushed?

Mike

From Jeff ******* to Me:

yes

From Me to Jeff *******:

Well Jeff, how would you like to have your car crushed by a REAL LIVE MONSTER TRUCK?!

That's right, for only $20 you can witness the ULTIMATE DESTRUCTION AND CARNAGE of your 1989 Dodge Shadow being CRUSHED INTO OBLIVION!!!

Our CHEVY KILLVERADO is bringin' the pain on top of 66 inches of DOOM-BRINGING TIRES and will leave your car COMPLETELY ANNIHILATED.

Please let me know when you are ready to BRING ON THE DESTRUCTION!

Mike

From Jeff ******* to Me:

are you serious

From Me to Jeff *******:

YOU BET YOUR ASS I'M SERIOUS!

The only question is, are you serious about your car being SERIOUSLY SMASHED INTO SMITHEREENS?!

Mike

From Jeff ******* to Me:

is it being crushed at a demolition derby or something?

From Me to Jeff *******:

No! You will have the honor of witnessing it being obliterated, LIVE AND IN PERSON, right in your front yard! No unnecessary travel to a stadium - stadiums are for PUSSIES!

Mike

From Jeff ******* to Me:

why the hell would i want to do that? then id have a pile of shit in my lawn that would be even harder to get rid of

From Me to Jeff *******:

No need to worry about cleanup! The Killverado will PULVERIZE YOUR CAR INTO A PILE OF DUST!

From Jeff ******* to Me:

no it wont. are you an idiot?

From Me to Jeff *******:

Do not underestimate the DESTRUCTIVE POWER of the KILLVERADO!

Tell you what, if you decide to do it in the next ten minutes, your kids can witness the devastation for JUST FIVE DOLLARS.

YOU'D HAVE TO BE A PUSSY TO TURN THIS OFFER DOWN!

Mike

From Jeff ******* to Me:

no id have to be a retard to let some idiot come run over my car with his stupid truck! what the hell wrong with you? dont email me again ya jackass!
De todos os fóruns que conheço, este é um deles.
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